Body Image

Everything happens for a reason...  I drafted a lengthy and detailed post about body image before the Blogger Bummer of 2011 hit.  Although a tendency to over share seems to accompany the "blogger" label, even I felt it was TMI.  At first, I was extremely frustrated with Blogger (like everyone else that uses the site) and upset that they deleted my last saved post (this post), but after some thought I think it was for the best that I start from scratch.

Why a post about body image?  Well, I've felt guilty neglecting the "fit" part of my blog lately.  When I'm feeling down the first thing that takes a hit is my fitness routine and therefore, my body and weight.  As I've mentioned in some of my previous posts, my life has been a bit stressful lately (mainly work related).  It's nothing serious, but I've felt an impact.  I haven't kept up with my fitness routine and I've been eating out A LOT - no bueno for the bod.  I've recently started working out again and plan on writing a fitness post soon, but I feel the need to touch on my issues with body image first (as a reminder to myself at least).

I've always struggled with body image.  As a child, I desperately wanted blonde hair and blues eyes, and I told my mom that no boy would ever like me.  I was constantly made fun of for being Asian, and saw my differences as something negative.  As a teenager, I suffered through the typical awkward phase, but mine was also influenced by others referring to me as the "chubby Oriental girl" - side lesson: it's incorrect to use the term "Oriental" if you didn't know.  It was during this time that I became critical about my weight and refused to wear anything form fitting that would show my "fat" - which was just my body developing curves.  In high school, I naturally lost my baby fat and started receiving a little attention from boys.  Instead of gaining self confidence I became more self conscious.  I mentally measured everything I ate and discovered exercise.  Looking back, I think I was worried that I'd lose the attention of the few boys that seemed to like me.

And then I went to college...  I'm starting a new paragraph for body image during my college years because, well, it needs its own paragraph.

In college, I finally started receiving the attention that I thought I always wanted.  It was the first time in my life I was asked for my phone number or asked out on a date.  I was extremely innocent and naive, and had absolutely no idea how to handle all of it.  Unfortunately, I met a guy right away that picked up on my insecurities.  It was a very unhealthy relationship based on power and control.  This relationship is one of the reasons why I do the work that I do now, but that's a post for some other time (if ever).  He would constantly make comments about my weight, say that he was going to make me go running (I was already working out 3 times a day - literally) and would suggest I not eat, go purge and/or take diet pills.  I was completely confused about my body image and was always of the mindset that I needed to lose 10 more pounds - even when I was wearing a size zero.  During this relationship I lost my sense of identity and self worth and it took a long time for me to finally end it.

I entered grad school with shaky self esteem, but happily discovered that healthy relationships do exist when I met my now husband (aww).  It was quite a change to be loved, accepted and appreciated for everything that I am - including what I considered my flaws.  He's seen me at my skinniest, when I started grad school, and at my heaviest, when I literally ate my feelings to self medicate my depression - and he's told me he loves me and that I'm beautiful at every stage.

I started out this post saying "everything happens for a reason," and I truly believe it.  Without all of my experiences, I wouldn't be where I am today - happy and healthy. This isn't to say I don't have my moments of insecurity, because I'll always have to work at it.  I've had to learn how to find balance in my life instead of teetering from one extreme to the other.  We shouldn't allow the negative events in our lives to hold us back, but instead learn and grow from them.  We shouldn't worry so much about fitting in and being like everyone else, because our differences are what make us so special.  All I can do is love myself and treat ME right - and that's all any of us can do.